Free Thought

so i wrote this 11-6-06. i was preg with my second child who was born 12-5-06. this an entry into my journal. i used to name every entry and this one is called "Free Thought'...

Everyday is a see saw. back and forth. up and down. making me dizzy abd lightheaded. not just the pregnancy, it's you. the memories and realities making my head spin.stuck b/w love & hate. the fact that i love you but hate what you do. it truly is a thin line, my friend. i did YOU a favor but you're too damn selfish. cant appreciate shit thats fine. love God and you'll love yourself. i want to love you forever. please you, just love YOU. do whatever you want me to... but then my mind turns around. My heart turns black & cold. ice running thru my veins. just as quick as thoughts of lovemaing form, they turn to viloence. kicking, screaming, hitting throwing. i can go from "baby i love you" to "nigga, fuck you" in .26 seconds. wanna see?

mind sex

I love this feeling. You feeling me. Slow and steady, you know the right things to say. Slick mouth wit a sharp tongue. Getting me open, making me want more. i call it foreplay. Just a tease of whats to come. Whats to come… is you. And me. And we. Now you’re right there. go slow baby, yea right there. Can you feel it? mine aint like the rest of em. I consider myself the best of em. Mine will leave you shakin and you’ll never wanna leave it. it will comfort you. Challenge you. Bring the best out of you. All b/c you can be you. You. Got damn you. Runnin past 2nd base. Now im not askin you to slow ya pace. I like this race. So keep going. I wont make you wait. Wont ever say stop. Come around to 3rd base now. Yea, just like that. The anticipation of you making it home got me… honestly a lil shook up. Not many have been here before, but once you there, best believe it yours. Damn I like that. I can feel u slidin in. perfect fit, no protection, just smooth sailin. Now just Go a lil bit deeper. Its crazy how good you make me feel. Now even deeper. Damn! This just cant be real! Come all the way in. all the way to the core of me. You like that baby? I can tell you want more of me. we try not to rush it, but its so damn hard to go slow. I cant say no. push your way in. work it baby. Damn I can do this for hours on end. Im lovin how you feel when youre inside. In tune. cant nobody mind sex me like you. You the best at what you do.

shhh...

you're like a work of art. colorful, confusing, prone to misinterpretation. many different people see you and see many different things. I see KING. A man made to love a Queen. you're passionate and sexy. powerful & poetic. i drink in your words, mesmorized by your smoothness, held captivate by your honesty. as i sit here watching you dream, i find myself wishing i was inside your mind. with your eyelids as a backdrop, id show you love then turn dreams into reality. you make my soul smile sunshine. i feel i can finally E X H A L E ...

while you were sleeping...

i get these random bouts of insomnia. i call em 5 AM nights. thats b/c i'm rarely sleep before 5 AM on these peculiar nights. wouldn't be so bad i guess if i didn't have to be up at 7 AM. ahh the joys of motherhood. kids don't care if you're tired. or hungover. or still a lil drunk. sigh. moving on....


so there's this guy, irvin rosenfeld, and cuh is 1 of 4 people who receive their medical marijuana from the Federal Drug Administration's Investigational New Drug Program. He's been getting 300 joints every 25 days for the past 27 years, and said he smokes between 10 and 12 per day. he's about to enter the Guinness book of world records for smoking his 115,000 joint. go irv! i support the cause!
http://tinyurl.com/yj9tv4f

Breathe out...

This... is not just physical. there's something under that, bubbling and sizzling. igniting untamed passion. the kind of passion that has you in a daze, all you see is your angel and the only thing that matters is making your angel feel like they've found heaven. make them siiiigh with happiness & exhaustion. my angel, 1 mention of your name, my heart swells and the butterflies are released. bolts of electricity hit the nerve endings in my spine when your long eloquent fingers gently brush my shoulder. the electricity explodes into my stomach when those fingers touch my face. those fascinating eyes dancing with excitement & the allure of what's coming next. love songs escape my throat, my voice heavy with lust but backed by something much deeper then the simple carnality of relations. no rap this time baby. its time to get serious.

L O V E

How do you know?

and i cry . . .

and I cry. not for myself, but for the children and the hurt this world will try to impose on them. and I cry. not for myself but for our lost youth who are disenfranchised with hearts full of dread and anxiety. and I cry. not for myself but for the drug addicts decisions to choose elevation over family obligation. and I cry. not for myself but for the single parent homes where there is never enough of the neccesities and "just getting by" is an accomplishment. and I cry. not for myself but for the inmates who are herded like cattle and given no alternative for their violent, ignorant lifestyles. and I cry. for myself b/c I feel the weight of single parents, criminals, drug addicts, children, & gang members on my shoulders. I cry b/c it hurts to see my people failing so incredibly. I cry b/c the harsh relaities of the world are thrust in my face daily. I cry b/c I get punished for sympathizing with my people's plight. I cry b/c I don't even know where to start to fix it.

& the rich get richer .

so I was @ the century city mall yesterday w. tina jazz & my kids. as we go into the parking lot, I notice lights above every single parking spot. either green or red. It takes me a lil bit to realize what the lights were. green for if the parking spot is empty, red for if there's a car parked. then I see signs @ the begining of each parking row indicating how many spots are empty in that row. ummmmmm, they NEEDED that? or could they have donated that million sum odd dollars to skid row residents & families? shit, they could just handed me 20 grand & I'd be cool. I've been wondering where in the hell all the money has been going. Its going to the rich to make them more comfortable & to make us more uncomfortable. dang. how rude! (word to Brant. Stephanie from full house aye? u fuckin dick head.)

Lite x Skeme = Guns 'n Roses

so, I went to their show @ the knitting factory last nite. that show was the dopest I've seen in a long ass time. they're such entertainers but stay away from the fluff ass kid rap. u noe how kids like to get shit jerkin nowadays. I don't jerk, personally. I'd much rather TIU. or FIU. fuck it up girl, gon' fuck it up AYE! anywho, spectacular show last night fellas. keep up the good, hard work. rape the industry for everything you want. y'all deserve the world. F2D U-P.

just imagine .. .. ..

& if I had my way, you'd be right next to me. b ball shorts & wifebeater. me in ur white tee & socks. chipped nail polish. hair in a bun. freckles showin. listenin to music & talkin. tellin secrets from our past & quests for our futures. soul deep conversation where I walk away feeling like I KNOW you. not on no mushy shit, but your heart beat makes my insides melt. I can feel it now. that look you give. straight into my eyes, peering into my soul. sending chills down my spine w. 1 glance from you. you can stop time with those eyes, man. heal the sick. help the poor. feed the hungry. take down my mental walls. just imagine . . .

Ladies!

Written Dec. 1, 2006


I've never been so happy to be outta that BULLSHIT called high school! Cuz that's exactly what high school is. Straight up bullshit. Every black female is running around talkin bout some retarded stuff like "Get on my level hoe" when they need to be talking about "Get on the honor roll". Our priorities are alllll messed up. So what if someone thinks they're cuter then you? Take after her and gain some confidence within yourself. It's not necesarry to talk about every black girl you see walking down the street. Handle yours and stop worrying about this clique or that clique or who said what about whom. B/c trust me, in the end, none of it matters. If it can't get you into a 4 year university, why do you even care what she got on? Instead of bringing eachother down, we all need to build eachother up. This is ridiculous. We're all beautiful in our own right. Let's not validate our own beauty by defacing the beauty of another. We call eachother bitches and hoes, talk so much mess about one another and yet get upset when a BOY does the same thing. (Yes, a boy, b/c a real man has no parts in any of this foolishness) Stand up for yourselves. Stop calling every girl you "don't like" out of their name and maybe these reatrded boys will stop doing it. You should be respected and viewed as a Black Queen, not that bitch from that 1 clique who likes to put her ass and titties on the internet. We're so much better then that. We are a strong people. A culture that fights for independence and freedom. Ignorance needs to stop, immediately. When we 'HATE' on others, its actually our own insecurities manifesting themselves in a manner that is unproductive and futile. who wins and who loses? Nobody wins, we all lose. While you're talking about her, she's talking about you. And do you know what it looks like? It looks like two jealous individuals preoccupied with eachother's lives b/c they can't get their own life straight. Real shit. Instead of devoting so much time to tearing someone else down, build yourself up. Read a book. Take up a worthy cause. Research HBCU's. (Historically Black Colleges and Universities.) Organize a BSU trip that will enrich and enhance your life. GET OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE!!!!! There are many more important things in the world that require your attention. Yes, I understand you probably want to build water pumps in Africa now. (Thanks Jay) That's all fine and dandy, but there is a lot more that needs to be done. There are 6 year old prostitutes in Cambodia, forced into sexual slavery by their poor mothers and fathers. South American immigrants in Mexico are being tortured and raped and beaten by the Mexican officials. And we all know we as a people are not given proper respect and courtesy as a race. We've got to demand our repect, take back our souls and never become slaves again. But how can we possibly expect anyone else to treat us with dignity when we can't even do it ourselves? And it's not like we're ignorant behind closed doors. NO! We're blatant and outright when it comes to our own impertinence. Turn on the TV. We've got our young black women having sex with their clothes on in music videos. All our males are worried about is their 'bitches' and the 'CAL'ILACS'. All we wanna hear and sing about is how far our chains hang and who's got the newest pair of shoes. And then you want respect? No. We've to change within ourselves before we even begin to dream about gaining respect from the world. Well kids, Thats all for now. How much you wanna bet only about 1/4 of the poeple who read this actually read this part. lol. Wow. Kia Jean is finished for now! Keep God First & everything else will fall into place. 1 Love

RelationSHITS

why are there so many of us moving backwards? Yes, we still have areas in our lives where we are experiencing upward mobillity, but when it comes to matters of the heart, or our lifestyles, whom we choose to lay with. . . we are usually as a species moving backwards. Well, females are the worst @ that. We can have so much going for ourselves. But there's always that one nigga (yes, nigga) who's too street, too mean, too fuccin cocky. Why we always gotta keep THAT nigga around? Every other day we are fighting, cussing, writing mean ass aways. . . 3 days later, its love songs, kisses, and make up sex. damn.

Black Murder Rates . . . Smh...

"African Americans comprised 13% of the United States' population in 2005 but were victims of about 49% of all homicides. . . Of the estimated 16,400 muders committed nationwide in 2005, about 8,000 of them were Black. . ." Now I know y'all agree with me when I say that is just utterly ridiculous. But listen to this. . .of those 8,000 murders, 93% of them were committed by a black offender and 77% involved a firearm. that means of the 8,000 murders, 6400 were black on black murders and 6160 were gun violence. About 50% of those murder victims were between the ages of 17 & 29. compare that to the fact that only 37% of all White murders victims were between those ages. Now what do we have people? We have a got damn shame. It's really a shame. We need to fix this nonsense. There's so much violence and killing going on in our own communities and it seems that we turn a blind eye to it until it hits a little bit too close to home. But even then, violence begats violence because most of the killings are gang violence and such. Revenge. Revenge is killing our black men, our black women, our black children. We obviously don't need anyone else to kill us. between the black on black murders, the drug addicts dying everyday, the diabetes and the AIDS, we don't even stand a chance for survival. Sometimes I feel like why should I even try? Why should I let these people know these stats and facts when they'll keep doing what they're doing regardless? I keep trying though because we as a race possess so much history and pride. We're flushing ourselves down the toilet with as much respect as a dead goldfish. And the whole nation is laughing at us. "Look at these poor little niggers. They blame all their problems on us, when in reality they're fucking themselves." What? Y'all thought that THEY was holding us back? Naw, NIGGA. That's you. That's all you. It's that dope boy standing on the corner killing his block with crack. Its that gangbanger shootin up any nigga or female he sees wit the wrong color on. It's that BOY out there fuckin anything he can get his hands on and leaving a trail of fatherless children and disease ridden mothers. We need to stop this. We need to lift eachother up. You noe them birds you flippin? That shit don't belong to you! You don't own none of that. You killing your own people because sumbody told you to. So what if you got new shoes and new clothes. You don't own a fuckin thing, homie. And neither do you gangbangers. That block you riding for? Naw, you renting that out till you die, nigga. Get it together. Die for your right to live. Die for a cause. Don't die for a color or a couple of blocks that the government owns. It's not yours. Its THEIRS. And to you little boys wit ya penis' all over the neighborhood, wrap it up. If it's good enough to bed, it's good enough to wed. Look at it that way and I bet the AIDS rate among young black females wouldn't be as high as it is now. Condoms are not that hard to come by, baby lambs. These problems keep me up at night. Make me soooooo sad. So what do we do about all this? Can somebody please let me know? And how much you wanna bet I get no responses to this blog?

Rahzel & Sean Kingston?

So I'm watching the Nickelodeon show called Yo Gabba Gabba and their special guests on the show today were Sean Kingston, who was dancing, and the Incredible Rahzel who was beatboxing. Hip hop has succeeded in BECOMING mainstream America. Can the hood get sum residuals? Damn.

R.I.P. Jasmine Sanders

Poor 8 yr old lil mama was shot & killed by her 13 yr old gang member cousin in Compton. The 13 yr old was shooting into a crowd outside Jasmine's apartment building with the intent of hitting a rival gang member. My people, this is us? We MUST educate our youngsters. The messed up thing is that anyone who hears this story is assuming the 13 yr old had no father, a young mother & was more then likely a drop out or close to it. Wanna noe what REALLY sucks? All that is more then likely true. Our children are killing each other off & we as a people are ok with it. We show our contentment w/ this b/c we continue to have kids out of wed lock, we continue to allow our kids to roam the streets freely, we continue to internalize the labels & stereoypes America has thrust upon us. Come on People! Wake up! We are Kings & Queens, gods in our own rights. Education is the key. Resist the temptation to "act like a nigga". That's exactly what they want u to do. More on "them" later. Peace God.