L O V E

How do you know?

and i cry . . .

and I cry. not for myself, but for the children and the hurt this world will try to impose on them. and I cry. not for myself but for our lost youth who are disenfranchised with hearts full of dread and anxiety. and I cry. not for myself but for the drug addicts decisions to choose elevation over family obligation. and I cry. not for myself but for the single parent homes where there is never enough of the neccesities and "just getting by" is an accomplishment. and I cry. not for myself but for the inmates who are herded like cattle and given no alternative for their violent, ignorant lifestyles. and I cry. for myself b/c I feel the weight of single parents, criminals, drug addicts, children, & gang members on my shoulders. I cry b/c it hurts to see my people failing so incredibly. I cry b/c the harsh relaities of the world are thrust in my face daily. I cry b/c I get punished for sympathizing with my people's plight. I cry b/c I don't even know where to start to fix it.

& the rich get richer .

so I was @ the century city mall yesterday w. tina jazz & my kids. as we go into the parking lot, I notice lights above every single parking spot. either green or red. It takes me a lil bit to realize what the lights were. green for if the parking spot is empty, red for if there's a car parked. then I see signs @ the begining of each parking row indicating how many spots are empty in that row. ummmmmm, they NEEDED that? or could they have donated that million sum odd dollars to skid row residents & families? shit, they could just handed me 20 grand & I'd be cool. I've been wondering where in the hell all the money has been going. Its going to the rich to make them more comfortable & to make us more uncomfortable. dang. how rude! (word to Brant. Stephanie from full house aye? u fuckin dick head.)

Lite x Skeme = Guns 'n Roses

so, I went to their show @ the knitting factory last nite. that show was the dopest I've seen in a long ass time. they're such entertainers but stay away from the fluff ass kid rap. u noe how kids like to get shit jerkin nowadays. I don't jerk, personally. I'd much rather TIU. or FIU. fuck it up girl, gon' fuck it up AYE! anywho, spectacular show last night fellas. keep up the good, hard work. rape the industry for everything you want. y'all deserve the world. F2D U-P.

just imagine .. .. ..

& if I had my way, you'd be right next to me. b ball shorts & wifebeater. me in ur white tee & socks. chipped nail polish. hair in a bun. freckles showin. listenin to music & talkin. tellin secrets from our past & quests for our futures. soul deep conversation where I walk away feeling like I KNOW you. not on no mushy shit, but your heart beat makes my insides melt. I can feel it now. that look you give. straight into my eyes, peering into my soul. sending chills down my spine w. 1 glance from you. you can stop time with those eyes, man. heal the sick. help the poor. feed the hungry. take down my mental walls. just imagine . . .

Ladies!

Written Dec. 1, 2006


I've never been so happy to be outta that BULLSHIT called high school! Cuz that's exactly what high school is. Straight up bullshit. Every black female is running around talkin bout some retarded stuff like "Get on my level hoe" when they need to be talking about "Get on the honor roll". Our priorities are alllll messed up. So what if someone thinks they're cuter then you? Take after her and gain some confidence within yourself. It's not necesarry to talk about every black girl you see walking down the street. Handle yours and stop worrying about this clique or that clique or who said what about whom. B/c trust me, in the end, none of it matters. If it can't get you into a 4 year university, why do you even care what she got on? Instead of bringing eachother down, we all need to build eachother up. This is ridiculous. We're all beautiful in our own right. Let's not validate our own beauty by defacing the beauty of another. We call eachother bitches and hoes, talk so much mess about one another and yet get upset when a BOY does the same thing. (Yes, a boy, b/c a real man has no parts in any of this foolishness) Stand up for yourselves. Stop calling every girl you "don't like" out of their name and maybe these reatrded boys will stop doing it. You should be respected and viewed as a Black Queen, not that bitch from that 1 clique who likes to put her ass and titties on the internet. We're so much better then that. We are a strong people. A culture that fights for independence and freedom. Ignorance needs to stop, immediately. When we 'HATE' on others, its actually our own insecurities manifesting themselves in a manner that is unproductive and futile. who wins and who loses? Nobody wins, we all lose. While you're talking about her, she's talking about you. And do you know what it looks like? It looks like two jealous individuals preoccupied with eachother's lives b/c they can't get their own life straight. Real shit. Instead of devoting so much time to tearing someone else down, build yourself up. Read a book. Take up a worthy cause. Research HBCU's. (Historically Black Colleges and Universities.) Organize a BSU trip that will enrich and enhance your life. GET OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE!!!!! There are many more important things in the world that require your attention. Yes, I understand you probably want to build water pumps in Africa now. (Thanks Jay) That's all fine and dandy, but there is a lot more that needs to be done. There are 6 year old prostitutes in Cambodia, forced into sexual slavery by their poor mothers and fathers. South American immigrants in Mexico are being tortured and raped and beaten by the Mexican officials. And we all know we as a people are not given proper respect and courtesy as a race. We've got to demand our repect, take back our souls and never become slaves again. But how can we possibly expect anyone else to treat us with dignity when we can't even do it ourselves? And it's not like we're ignorant behind closed doors. NO! We're blatant and outright when it comes to our own impertinence. Turn on the TV. We've got our young black women having sex with their clothes on in music videos. All our males are worried about is their 'bitches' and the 'CAL'ILACS'. All we wanna hear and sing about is how far our chains hang and who's got the newest pair of shoes. And then you want respect? No. We've to change within ourselves before we even begin to dream about gaining respect from the world. Well kids, Thats all for now. How much you wanna bet only about 1/4 of the poeple who read this actually read this part. lol. Wow. Kia Jean is finished for now! Keep God First & everything else will fall into place. 1 Love

RelationSHITS

why are there so many of us moving backwards? Yes, we still have areas in our lives where we are experiencing upward mobillity, but when it comes to matters of the heart, or our lifestyles, whom we choose to lay with. . . we are usually as a species moving backwards. Well, females are the worst @ that. We can have so much going for ourselves. But there's always that one nigga (yes, nigga) who's too street, too mean, too fuccin cocky. Why we always gotta keep THAT nigga around? Every other day we are fighting, cussing, writing mean ass aways. . . 3 days later, its love songs, kisses, and make up sex. damn.

Black Murder Rates . . . Smh...

"African Americans comprised 13% of the United States' population in 2005 but were victims of about 49% of all homicides. . . Of the estimated 16,400 muders committed nationwide in 2005, about 8,000 of them were Black. . ." Now I know y'all agree with me when I say that is just utterly ridiculous. But listen to this. . .of those 8,000 murders, 93% of them were committed by a black offender and 77% involved a firearm. that means of the 8,000 murders, 6400 were black on black murders and 6160 were gun violence. About 50% of those murder victims were between the ages of 17 & 29. compare that to the fact that only 37% of all White murders victims were between those ages. Now what do we have people? We have a got damn shame. It's really a shame. We need to fix this nonsense. There's so much violence and killing going on in our own communities and it seems that we turn a blind eye to it until it hits a little bit too close to home. But even then, violence begats violence because most of the killings are gang violence and such. Revenge. Revenge is killing our black men, our black women, our black children. We obviously don't need anyone else to kill us. between the black on black murders, the drug addicts dying everyday, the diabetes and the AIDS, we don't even stand a chance for survival. Sometimes I feel like why should I even try? Why should I let these people know these stats and facts when they'll keep doing what they're doing regardless? I keep trying though because we as a race possess so much history and pride. We're flushing ourselves down the toilet with as much respect as a dead goldfish. And the whole nation is laughing at us. "Look at these poor little niggers. They blame all their problems on us, when in reality they're fucking themselves." What? Y'all thought that THEY was holding us back? Naw, NIGGA. That's you. That's all you. It's that dope boy standing on the corner killing his block with crack. Its that gangbanger shootin up any nigga or female he sees wit the wrong color on. It's that BOY out there fuckin anything he can get his hands on and leaving a trail of fatherless children and disease ridden mothers. We need to stop this. We need to lift eachother up. You noe them birds you flippin? That shit don't belong to you! You don't own none of that. You killing your own people because sumbody told you to. So what if you got new shoes and new clothes. You don't own a fuckin thing, homie. And neither do you gangbangers. That block you riding for? Naw, you renting that out till you die, nigga. Get it together. Die for your right to live. Die for a cause. Don't die for a color or a couple of blocks that the government owns. It's not yours. Its THEIRS. And to you little boys wit ya penis' all over the neighborhood, wrap it up. If it's good enough to bed, it's good enough to wed. Look at it that way and I bet the AIDS rate among young black females wouldn't be as high as it is now. Condoms are not that hard to come by, baby lambs. These problems keep me up at night. Make me soooooo sad. So what do we do about all this? Can somebody please let me know? And how much you wanna bet I get no responses to this blog?

Rahzel & Sean Kingston?

So I'm watching the Nickelodeon show called Yo Gabba Gabba and their special guests on the show today were Sean Kingston, who was dancing, and the Incredible Rahzel who was beatboxing. Hip hop has succeeded in BECOMING mainstream America. Can the hood get sum residuals? Damn.

R.I.P. Jasmine Sanders

Poor 8 yr old lil mama was shot & killed by her 13 yr old gang member cousin in Compton. The 13 yr old was shooting into a crowd outside Jasmine's apartment building with the intent of hitting a rival gang member. My people, this is us? We MUST educate our youngsters. The messed up thing is that anyone who hears this story is assuming the 13 yr old had no father, a young mother & was more then likely a drop out or close to it. Wanna noe what REALLY sucks? All that is more then likely true. Our children are killing each other off & we as a people are ok with it. We show our contentment w/ this b/c we continue to have kids out of wed lock, we continue to allow our kids to roam the streets freely, we continue to internalize the labels & stereoypes America has thrust upon us. Come on People! Wake up! We are Kings & Queens, gods in our own rights. Education is the key. Resist the temptation to "act like a nigga". That's exactly what they want u to do. More on "them" later. Peace God.

Don't Make Disney mad!

Raven Simone is performing @ the Ventura County Fair. I do believe someone has pissed off Disney. O how the mighty have fallen. Is this the future for Ms. Miley Cyrus?

what percentage are you?

Striving for Knowledge, Wisdom & Understanding daily. Read this book.

Word To Busta.

bienvenidos a Miami

So I'm sittin on the porch of my hotel w/ ramie & nique, smokin a black cuz we had thee biggest joint of sum weed that I can't taste cuz I'm sick but it looks like oregano & gets me really high. We got Courvoisier & coca cola. A Balmy breeze is blowing the palm tree fronds gently. Cars drive back & forth, the occasional sounds of a trunk rattling & down south accents pierces the air sporadically. The sound of a motorcycle engine fades away & decresendos slowly. The sky is pitch black with gigantic puffy grey clouds standing attention beneath the low crescent moon. My lips are salty from the sea air. Across the street is beach with fine white sand & shallow warm turquoise water. My only complaint? That damn seaweed.

Most of yall dummies wont even read the whole thing

Aristotle, who was born in 384 B.C., philosophized that we are all born free or born slaves. Webster's definition of slavery is "submission to a dominating influence." The problem with this definition is that it is too vague. The 1926 Slavery Convention of Geneva defines slavery as the status or condition of a person over whom any or all of the powers attaching to the right of ownership are exercised. Slavery does not have a definite beginning in the world. It is almost as if slavery has and will always be apart of our society. American slavery differed from all other forms of world slavery in that the slaveholder's intentions were to dehumanize and demoralize ALL African Americans. This history has desecrated African Americans as a community. Africans were stolen from their homelands, brought to America and stripped of their money, language, land, and religion. No longer were they proud African Muslims. They were conditioned to be idiotic Negro Christian slaves. This is the label that has had Black people in a constant state of degradation. Because of slavery, Black communities experience many societal problems, such as unemployment, broken families, police brutality and imprisonment. While these problems are not unique to Black societies, they are so rampant and widespread in the communities that they have become to be seen as the norm.

An extensive problem in Black communities is absentee parents, both mothers and fathers. America is confronted with a disproportionate amount of single parent Black households. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2004, 40% of all Blacks were never married compared to 24% of whites. What we as a nation fail to realize is that when Africans were forced into slavery, they were almost always separated from their families. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that in 2004, there were 36.6 million Blacks in the United States. Blacks made up 12.8% of all U.S. households while whites made up about 67% of the population in the same year. The problem with this is that the white poverty rate was only 8.2% while the Black poverty rate was 24.3%. Blacks have a ridiculous amount of unemployment and poverty in their communities. Social stratification is defined as "the creation of layers of a population who possess unequal shares of scarce desirables, the most important of which are income, wealth, power, and prestige" (Shepard, 230). Each layer of a social stratification system is called a social class. Many members of the Black community are members of the lower or middle class. African Americans by default have lower life chances, that is to say, a lower likelihood of possessing the good things in life. These good things include health, happiness, education, wealth, etc. Since a certain amount of power, income and prestige is needed to secure life chances, many Blacks are left with not much hope of redeeming themselves from the psychological bondage slavery has entwined African Americans in.

All of America's societal problems are more prevalent in Black America then in any other racial community. Dr. Joy DeGruy Leary identifies this phenomenon as Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome. According to Dr. Leary, "Multigenerational trauma together with continued oppression and the absence of opportunity to heal or access the benefits available in the society leads to Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome". Blacks were freed from slavery and given no guidance or direction on how to live and maintain in the Free Labor system. Left to their own devices, many Blacks stayed on the plantations and became sharecroppers. They still maintained their slave mentality because it was all most Blacks knew. They were freed but still held the notion that they would not amount to much more then a small time sharecropper simply because they were Black. These problems are a direct result of slavery and the widely held preconceptions that Blacks are inferior to whites.

Another problem Blacks face today because of slavery is the notion that the lighter one's skin color is, the farther one will get in life. This is a result of slave hands repeatedly referring to darker skinned slaves as monkeys or unattractive. Slave owners pit the slaves against each other from the beginning of American Slavery. We can still see this happening today. Light skin and dark skin Blacks are constantly in competition with each other. I have personally had experience in this arena. Being a mixed heritage light skin Black woman has taught me a lot about how Blacks view the importance of light skin and "good hair". I have an older brother who is employed in a high level management position within a Fortune 500 company. At 23 years old, he garnered this position without a formal college degree. In fact, he dropped out of community college when he was 20 years old. My mother, who is a "full Black" woman, has stated repeatedly that my brother got the job because he is light skin and "acts white". She bases her argument on the fact that my brother is higher ranking without a degree then a certain dark skinned Black man who has a Master's. This is the type of thinking that perpetuates the self-hatred that Blacks have internalized since the start of American slavery.

As a Black woman, I feel it is my duty to educate my community on the injustices of the past and explain why we act the way we act. Slavery is the basis for most African American sociological issues. Black people need to realize that they are suffering from Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome. Almost all African American's can trace their roots back to a plantation in which their grandparents, sometimes just 3 or 4 generations back, were slaves. The Black community today still possesses a lave mentality. Blacks continue to be oppressed, given dilapidated schools, below minimum wage jobs, drugs and poverty. Blacks are forced into small communities with no outlet for the anger, frustration and self-hatred bred out of slavery. Instead, Blacks internalize the labels the White man has given to them and Blacks then turn around and take it out on those who are just like themselves. All of these Black societal problems are never properly addressed and dealt with. Instead, they are minimalized or kept "in the hood", away from the prying eyes of middle-class white America. In order to change the misgivings and preconceptions of Blacks, America as a society itself must first accept responsibility for the use of slavery as genocide.

I'm Not Done Yet

Common got me ON. Sawwy. this here was made before we were born. We all have love in your lives. Whether it be friend, family, children, significant others. . . . As far as EVERY single person in my life is concerned, they're all divinely destined to be a part of my life & the same for me in their lives. My children are my soulmates. My Best Friends aren't my friends, they're my sisters. My family was set for me. My friends were set for me. My children. My naysayers. My haters. (If ur doing sumthing rite, there are haters) Male companions. All God given. What I get out of each relationship is on me. As far as haters are concerned, it motivates. Gets up me back on my grind. Don't sleep on my high. My sisters are my rocks. True love & trust. My baby girls are My Angels sent from Heaven to atone for my sins. True love. I believe in love. 1 woman for every man. 1 man for every woman. Some have been fortunate enuff to find that 1. Others are still seeking. Or waiting. Ummmmm. . . As far as men go, I feel like, if u noe someones inner most soul & are aware of the unspoken, then make that shit do what it do. If it's you & sum1 else, let it be u & sum1 else. Keep family biz private. The problem begins when the earthly hatin humans get in sum1's ear. Straight up, follow ur soul. If it FEELS bad, its bad. Time & space are inifinite. Sometimes the best gift you can give sum1 is infinity. Just sum advice from the mental of a mind elevation specialist.




& by the way, y'all need to cop that Nas "Untitled' & The Roots "Rising Down".
that's my whole thing rite there. those are the kids of things swimming around in my head @ all times. Peace. Love. Faith. Unity.

the Other Side Of The Game

Long, weird, emotion filled, fun, TIU, back achin, no sleep, happy, joyful weekend. Sunday. 10:49 AM. Meadowbrook & Pico. (Of course I'm on that otha shit) tha otha side of the game is this . . . Reflection. My gain, but who's lose? The theory of a blessing is questioned daily regarding this matter. Game or real? Look. If u knew what I knew, you'd understand. Maybe its b/c I stay on sum conscience elevation shit. The metaphysical, atrological, physical, emotional. . . Y'all don't get it. The idea of destiny is debated constantly. Is it free will or is there a bigger force? Are we led to individuals to learn lessons or do we learn lessons b/c we force what was never infinitely divine & end up getting hurt? If we all truly believed that who we have is an Angel from the heavens, we'd all be good. Can't be out here bogus w/ sum1 so Godly. So its like this . . . I see what I see. Change. Progress. Sum1 is trying. Giving me what I request, by any means neccesarry. Peace. A soul satisfying, heart exploding, emotional high. Why try to kill that for sum1? If that's what it is, then let it be. It's out of ur hands now. Ride or fucking die.

7

7 is the # of completion. I am literally 7 rite now. Complete. Except for the fact that mah back is killing me, I'm gr8. Thank you L o v e. Completion reached, come here & compliment me.

done for the day.

7.11. Free slurpees.



I wrote this shit in like Sep - Nov O7. enjoy


Disconnect, disengage. That's what I do to stay sane. Wipe my tears, try again. Keep it pushin, buy a pen. Write it down, get it out. Light a blunt, blow it out. In the clouds, in the sky. Life is hard. Why even try? Got 2 kids, they my life. But its so hard 2 not be trife. I do my best, it aint enuff. I need sum help. This shit is fucked. No help ensued, so I turned rude. I float thru life like I'm on snooze. A ghost on Earth, I'm all alone. I can't call u cuz I have no phone. A black girl lost, an eternal thirst. I pray to Allah that he find me first. But the Devil's prowlin, I can hear him growlin. Damn, he's got my throat now. And fuck, I'm drownin. Damn.








I really don't think its wise 2 piss me off rite now.

Circa Feb O8

It ended 2 mths ago. Never were official, but a title couldn't have made it more real. It was 'love'. Days turned into nights and into days again. Showed up and didnt leave for 2 days. Only time apart was work. All was given. Cooked, cleaned, played the wifey role. Problem was, nobody played the husband role. Just enuff was given to suffice. There were qualities about him absolutely loved. Some hated. Let the friends tell it, that's just the way he was. the way he ROLLED. Clothes, toothbrush, phone charger, razor, body wash. all strategically placed. A week in jail. Who was there. In court with his mom. Surprised him when me, not SHE was in the front row. Broke my heart to see him like that. Cleaned his house, made him dinner, awaited his return. Then it turned bad. calls ignored, texts unanswered, he wasnt the same, WE wasnt the same. Back off. Give space, time . . . Just enuff to reel me back in. Stayed wit it for 4 more months. tried, and triedand cried. Put up with that bullshit lil drama wit the ex. Showed him what a REAL woman was like. No appreciation. "He's skanless." "He's no good" "Dont fall for the game" 4 months of BULLSHIT!!! Until that nite. "
"Sometimes some lies can take a minute to fully realizeHis tears your eyes30 seconds to apoligizeYou give him one more chancejust like the time beforebut he already knows you'd give a hundred moreuntil that night in bed, you wake up in a sweatYour racing to the doorCan't take it anymore"
Realization smacked in the face!
Made it so hard. 2 AM. He screamed. I stayed. Snatched my keys, my fone. Sleep. 2 PM. Slipped out the door never to turn back around. My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned. You oughta see me now. . . . Love wasn't love. Respect was minimal. Neccesity was one sided until the realization i was gone. Want me back? Can't have this back. I'm a D!V@!!! Gave u a 2nd chance n u played me twice. Friendship is valued. Never forget the gr8 times we've shared. It was deeper then most knew but More shallow then I realized. I know now. Let the next chick deal wit you. better yet, let the last one deal wit you.



Never give your heart to someone who has another's heart.
Never love out of pity.
Never fall too hard too fast
Never snoop unless you wanna find sumthing.
Never jump to conclusions.
Never integrate families.
Always listen to your heart.
Always makes friends with their friends.
Always listen to said friends.
NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF!!! If you KNOW you're a Queen/King & should be treated as such, never settle for less.
Never engage yourself with the ex (shit gets messy. You'll be more worried with pissing him/her off that u lose sight of the prize. or forget that theres no prize at all)
Never treat a NIGGA like a King.
Never let them talk you into staying. ever. under any circumstances. GET GONE & STAY GONE!!!
Been gone. PEACE!

intro

Call me a verbal assassin. Lover / fighter. I make peace (rarely) & start wars (occasionally) Extremely sentimental. I love all things animal print. 2 kids. If they woulda made animal print condoms, I'd have 0 kids. Born & raised in West Covina. Spending the rest of my life with Los Scandolous as my homebase. Not ya typical bitchass, bourgeoisie, frontin, hater ass WC chick. I'm an ND, a D!v@ till the death of me. I ROLL wit LA's loc'est. I'm certifiably insane. 51/50, straight up. Fuckz wit me, I dare you. I am not Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or Atheist. Me & God have an understanding. We understand that dammit, I like me sum Muslims. Haha. J/k. Jesus is my homeboy. He GETS me. I like that. I'm single, technically. I'm taken, basically. Currently an A student @ LA City College. Trynna transfer to UCLA. Majoring in Business Management. Minoring in African American Studies. I'm 3 yrs behind all my friends in school. Took sum time out to have my kids & get all that out the way 1st. This way, I don't have to take time out of my career to have kids! *clearly I'm an optimist. @ least in this situation* I fall in love easily, get addicted quickly, always see the good in people. I'm Kendra Jean Merrigan. Hate me, don't love me.

Passion

So I got this thing . . . A thing for emcees. GOOD emcees. All that passion. All that pain. Clever wordplay & smooth vocals. Like good vodka. Slides down easily & gets you in another zone. Its no wonder why he attracts me. Even though we'd never spoken, he's poured his heart out to me. His life on his songs, his songs in my head. I got him in my mind. Had never heard MY voice but HIS perfect cadence struck me. The man behind the music, that's who I'm trynna get. The man behind the music, that's who I just met. Passion. Want. Neccesity. Its like damn, how we NEED eachother & we just met? Desperation & elation then sadness when the nite is cut short. Or was the nite long & we just didn't take advantage? So now its "we gotta kick it"s & flirting on my Kick mixed wit real admiration for dedication he puts in. An artist to the truest sense, feel him on so many levels cuz when it comes down to it, I too am an artist to the fullest. It is what is.

Intimacy

YOU.

Thank you.
Thank you for letting us just "Be".
Thank you for accepting me "As I Am".
Thank you for being "God's Son".
Thank you for giving me "The Blueprint" to your heart.
Thank you for making me believe that all this, "It Was Written".
Thank you for making me realize it's not just "Me Against The World".
Thank you for agreeing that we're gonna "Get Rich Or Die Trying".
Thank you for being my "Black Star".
Thank you for helping me tap into my "Reflection Eternal/Train Of Thought".
Thank you for walking with me thru this "Beautiful Struggle".